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Introduce yourself
In Futbol
bunter s. thompson
Apr 27, 2022
Introduction! Name: Steve Where are you from? The mean, foreboding streets of El Cerrito, California. How old are you? Here's a hint: my parents likely got freaky to ABBA or Leo Sayer or some-such. What do you do for work? I work part-time at a consulting firm - digital archiving, helping transition to paperless, general assistance. In my off-time, I'm a writer [here], [here], an editor [here], and a photographer [here]. A writer, eh? Pro-Oxford comma or anti-Oxford comma? Oxford comma all the way. Anything else is, quite frankly, uncivilized, petty, spiteful, and just plain wrong. What was your first job? First true job? Besides mowing lawns for pocket change? I was in the Army from 1997 to 2001. I was discharged on June 4, 2001, just three months before the Twin Towers fell. What branch were you... I said I was in the Army! No, sorry, my bad. What career branch in the Army? Oh. OH! I was Adjutant General -- a.k.a.: pencil-pusher, desk jockey, Chairborne Ranger. Generally a 9-5, office, customer-service gig. In addition, I did a little modeling work. I modeled gas masks. No, I don't have any thirst-trap photos of me modeling a gas mask. Sorry. Otherwise, a fairly uneventful four peacetime years, I suppose -- outside of screwing up my back and knees and kicking off a drinking career. ***** On to the important stuff. Who is your squad? Roots, bay-bay! How would you describe your futbol knowledge? Extremely inchoate. I can probably explain what a "false nine" is without sounding like I'm choking on a chicken bone. Don't ask me to identify an off-sides, though; my eyes will explode. Did you play futbol growing up? During P.E. in school. Never played any organized league. Strictly baseball for organized. What position(s) did you play during P.E.? I got stuck as a goalie most of the time. Not because I had any aptitude for being a goalkeeper, mind you. Oh, no no no. I had the reflexes of a stillborn gerbil. I got shunted off to the net because I was far less likely to turn the ball over or become dispossessed of my knees or ankles if I was as far away from the action as possible. You mentioned you played baseball growing up. What positions? What would be your scouting report? Outfield, second base, catcher. Scouting report: mediocre contact hitter (but a good bunter!), decent fielder, okay arm, runs the bases like a gazelle ... that is, a three-legged gazelle on Valium. Or like Billy Butler. I don't know; choose one. If you could play organized futbol today, what would your likely role be? Eeesh. Hrrmmmm. Well.... (*taps table*) Probably a left back. Not the soccer position called left back, but left back as in: "Where's Steve? I didn't see him in the locker room. Oh, well, I guess he was left back at the hotel."
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bunter s. thompson

bunter s. thompson

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